It has been a draining last few days. I am missing my husband but sometimes feel like I really need a break from life. Tonight my kids are playing video games and watching movies with Darren, a 15 year old that they met here at RMH. He is awesome and they are enjoying being with him. It is giving me some alone time in my room, but I guess in a way that could be damaging. I tend to think too much ....
The last few days I have had to endure a freakin pounding from my son's father. It's a bunch of crap tho and it really drains me, which I am sure is one of his intentions! I had wondered why he was feeling the need to share unimportant things with me like ghost hunting, pictures of sunsets, etc ... he was different and I was glad he was being somewhat friendly to me. I had not seen that part of him in a very long time. Then it came out ... He has met someone. I think that is wonderful, but as soon as he told me, he changed. He became a freakin monster because he thought something I had said to him in a text about Obama was about him and his new-found "love" or ... whatever she is at this point. I can speculate, because I know him well ... but publicly that would just be rude.
I realize more and more everyday I am just exactly where he has always wanted me. I am beaten so low to the ground that I can smell the dirt. No matter what I ever say to him, he calls me a liar. It is very draining and difficult to try to schedule visitation for him and our son when he likes to throw jabs in every single text he sends me. You would think it would get old. But then again I was told by another person that spent a lot of time on the phone with him that he loved that control of hurting me over and over in text messages while he talked about me with them on the phone.
What he doesn't realize is .... there is no need to hurt me anymore. He did the ultimate thing to me already to hurt me beyond hurt. He was unfaithful to me early in our relationship and I never recovered from it. I never will. He WAS the man I thought I would be with forever. He is the one I wanted to be with forever. Now, that's not to say that he can't hurt me because he uses things almost every single day to hurt me. I'm sure he's proud of himself. I'm sure he keeps score on how many times he can make me cry. (love keeps no record of wrong, we must remember this wasn't ever love!) I get so wiped out trying to convince him that I am not and never was who he keeps accusing me of being ....
I have made mistakes in my life. I have acted immoral and unethical, as he likes to remind me. Some of the things that I told him about the mistakes in my life he now uses against me. I did some things prior to ever being with him that I am absolutely NOT proud of and they were very out of character for me. I shared those things with him because he was my "true love". I believed he was my first love. I never loved like that before, and I am convinced I never will again. I guess that's why it hurts me so badly to read his messages to me saying how I never loved him and that I bedded anything and everything that moved while we were married.
How horrible to say of someone. It breaks my heart. I was never with anyone else and did not want to be. He was everything to me. All I wanted to do was please him. I wanted to make him the happiest man on earth (which now he tells me I never even tried to make him happy...)
People have told me and I should listen ... that I am never going to get from him what I needed, what I was missing for all those years ... his approval. I could never do anything right or as good as certain people he liked to mention to me all the time. I think I was on a grading scale all the time and I failed. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, domestic enough, whatever ... it just wasn't enough.
This tends to scar a person in their lives when they try to move on. I know it has me. Fortunately enough for me, I have a very understanding and patient husband. I told him from the very beginning that I was messed up, that the true love of my life had stomped on my heart and crushed it into a million pieces and that he still gets to me with his demeaning behavior. My husband was my friend thru it all ... even understanding to the point that he said he would suppport my going back to my ex-husband and trying to make it work. He said he wouldn't like it but if that is what made me happy and whole, he would support it. Can you imagine the love in that statement?! How could I let a man go who thought so highly of me that no matter what it was in this world that made me happy, even if it meant he would not be there to love me, he would still support it??????? Can we all be so blessed to have someone love us that much???
I imagine I will be working thru the scars as long as I live. I want the pain of it all to vanish. I did not deserve the treatment I got from my ex. He was not there for me emotionally, physically ... and he knew it, yet he let it all happen. I still to this day get the blame for it, with him stating that I was "man-hunting" all during our marriage. He just has no idea ... he meant everything to me. If someone means everything in the world to you, you don't want anything to come in between you or do anything that would ever jeopardize that.
When he started telling me to go find someone else, I was more than crushed. I was told this for a few years. At first I was mortified ... and after a couple of years, I would just answer with "Fine, I will" ..... I got tired of the battle and the feeling that I was hated and not wanted. Feeling like you are not wanted or loved or even needed leaves you feeling empty enough, but then to be told on a regular basis to just go find someone else .... ok, I took the hint. Took me awhile since I don't take hints very well.
But the madness and mind games still continue, even as late as the other day, even after he told me his new relationship looks promising. I will never understand why he feels it necessary to hurt me by trying to reminisce about very intimate times between us??? He wanted to bet me a month's wages that if he were to do this one thing that he used to do (not in any way sexual) that I would STILL to this day have the same reaction I had when we were together. He and I had a connection like none other I have ever known or even heard of. I believe that to some degree it still exists. It really hurt me the other day when he "went there" ... why be so cruel to someone? Why play those kind of games? I think he just wanted to get under my skin and really enjoyed it.
Recently, he told me that he talked to me because he was lonely and had no one else. I felt so used. I felt like a washed up doll. Once again, I was made to feel unworthy. I am only a last resort, much like when we married. He really did a number on me and I get so angry for wasting so many years of my life loving someone who didn't love me back. It was all a game and I just get sick thinking about it. He says that is not the reason he was talking to me, so if it wasn't, why would he tell me that it was?
I will never understand why people want to play mind and heart games with other people. Thinking about all this over the past few days I have gotten really pissed off about it and I told him to just leave me alone. He has used me for the last time. There is no reason why he should be making small talk ... he is no longer lonely and has someone else to talk to. Maybe now I will stop trying to get his approval ... something I strived for and never achieved in all the 10 years we were together.
I just wish he had some kind of crystal ball he could look in and see how I felt about him and that I would have never done anything (and in fact did not do the things he accuses me of) to lose him ... at least not until he told me for years to just go find someone else. I guess after awhile you start to believe it ... I know I thought he meant it.
I was just TRYING to listen to my playlist tonight when I said I would never do it again. I am finding some healing in it somewhat ... realizing that I am a great person and friend, mother and wife, no matter how many times he has told me I am awful at all of that. I am a horrible person, a horrible friend, a horrible mother, and the worst wife that ever lived. It's so sad that some days, because he tells me so often, I actually believe it.
He always did do his damndest to make me cry. Then he would make fun of me while saying how he didn't really enjoy that ... twisted.
See? I didn't know where this blog was going, but I knew my heart was heavy and I doubt anyone reads this anyway, so what does it even really matter? My heart is somewhat lighter tonight after unloading here...................
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