My ... how I have changed.

It came to mind to me the other night that I had written a blog and needed some details from it. I searched my myspace blogs until I found it. That prompted me to start printing out my blogs that I have written over the years and put them in a binder. I have always written - my earliest "diary" is from 1982! I have written the majority of my life. There are a few periods of time that I did not write and I wish I had. There are also times of my life that were documented and they were HORRIBLE and I ended up burning at least one journal because of it. I'm glad I did that because when my life turned around after that period, I did not recognize the girl doing the writing. It was awful. I was glad I had been "saved" by certain circumstances in my life that led me to burning that journal. I would not be able to read it today nor would I want anyone else to read what hell my life was then ....

With that being said, that was the point in this blog. I also understand it isn't necessary to tell what your point is, but bare with me here ...

I can see how I have grown. I can see how I have flourished. I can see so many things about how my life has turned out that I couldn't even dream about a few years ago.

I printed out almost a year's worth of blogs. Some of them had the pain of what I have endured in my life rushing back to me. I can't believe I wrote most of what I wrote. There were pleas in those blogs. There was a lot of strength in those blogs. There was a lot of determination in those blogs. There was a lot of LOVE in those blogs.

I was happy for the most part, but just wanted some things to change. The inability to have any of those things improve is what drove me downward. I found a blog titled "What I am NOT" and wow ... it listed every name I had been called for years and it made me cry. It was therapy for me to see that no, I really did not need to be in that junk. As one of my favorite songs says .... It ain't love if it's mean.

I had so many revelations yesterday reading and printing things out. I actually can't believe what I went thru. I can't believe that things weren't better than that. I was telling my husband while I was doing it that ... sometimes I struggle (I use that word a lot!) with how my life turned out, I struggle with letting go of a man that I wanted to share my life with forever, I struggle with not having the one I thought God had given specially to me by my side, I struggle with why I was treated the way I was treated and what a monster it turned me into, and after being out of that relationship for over a year and a half now, I had forgotten a lot of the bad times - til I read that blog. It all flooded back to me. It's hard when you can mostly remember the good times and just live with the pain of what the bad times caused ... not really being able to remember what all those bad times were. That's the love that you have/had for others coming thru, I am convinced of that, but it's still hard.

Another aspect of reading those blogs was that I regained my love for working out and running. MAN, I WAS DEDICATED! I have always had a love for working out and running, but it really came thru in my blogs. I am still a very passionate person but it really came thru my writings back then. It gave me a renewed sense of determination to get back on the physical training as soon as I can! I know I am limited right now, but once we get back to RMH, I will utilize the gym there while everyone else is gone. It wouldn't hurt me to walk a couple of miles every day. After all, I am completely off my blood pressure meds and feeling fine. The nursing should have helped me get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and I am thinking that it did since I am now below my pre-pregnancy weight. If my milk dries up, I will be dieting also - not THAt kind of dieting, but I will cut my fat grams back again and watch everything like I am supposed to. KAY, that means I will need some nutritional help from you since you and Mitch are so successful with it !!!!!!!

Anyway, got off on a little tangent there for a few minutes, but I basically just wanted to say that I can finally recognize fully how much I have changed over the past couple of years. The change is unbelievable and almost unrecognizeable! It's amazing what getting out from under oppression can do to a person ... even if you don't want to.