... and for what purpose?

I'm sick of arguing, dammit! I am tired of defending myself and like the title said ... for what purpose?

Maybe I didn't do things "right" ... maybe I was TIRED of crap in my life being one big bawl-fest after another ... maybe I was tired of begging someone to love me and being turned away at every plea ... maybe I was tired of being told to "go find someone else" ... maybe I stayed around BECAUSE I actually DID take my vows seriously ... maybe I would have ended up in a mental institution had I stayed any longer ... maybe love is a cruel freakin joke that never delivers the punch line ... or wait, maybe it does ... right to the gut! ... maybe I should have given it more time ... maybe I should have left sooner ... maybe I will never be over losing the man I thought I would be with forever ... maybe I should have never been with him in the first place ...

and I ask all these questions over and over in my heart ... again ... FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

Because I am hurt dammit ... I am messed up inside for what I dealt with. Noooo, don't get me wrong, I AM NO ANGEL. I defended myself in some of the most vile ways. I was evil. I was mad. I bled hatred. All out of frustration of not being able to please the only man I ever wanted to please ...

My views on love and life are certainly twisted. I want to believe in love ... but can I EVER REALLY???? I do love, but I don't bare my heart and soul like I have before - only one time in my life did I do that - and it was ripped to shreds, stomped on, and set on fire, leaving nothing but whispering ashes in the wind ..... never to be mended again.

and I gripe in this blog ..... again ...... FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

I dunno.