Recap ... Good for the soul sometimes.

I have a blog on myspace  that I journaled thru my divorce in 2007 and after ... I found this blog tonight and realized I had come a LONG way since then.  I am amazed at the route  my life has taken and how I am much much much stronger now than I have ever been ... and I am also more appreciative of the true love I have in my life and can finally look forward to a future and much happiness ....


June 11, 2008 - Wednesday


Mourning the death/loss of a spouse...not what you think.

Current mood: focused

Ok, not exactly a happy or uplifting topic, but one I am going to write about anyway ... and probably not in the sense that you might think.

It took me a long time to realize some of the struggles I still deal with over my divorce. I never wanted to be without the man that I married. I never wanted to get married again when I met him. I married him anyway, even after suffering and working thru his infidelity early in our relationship.

I was talking to Danny about all this, as I often do, as he tries to help me thru my struggles and the whirlwind of confusion that goes thru my mind most days. It is so hard sometimes for me to verbalize what goes thru my mind trying to so desperately understand the crap I have been thru over the past 7 or 8 years.

Our marriage was a good one in the beginning, even thru the infidelity. It wasn't perfect, but Joe was a good man to me. Sometimes I think maybe it was just that I was being treated far better than the previous man in my life and it was probably never really that good. However, we did have good times in the beginning.

I have mentioned this before and the part that I struggle with almost daily is the fact that somewhere along the lines, something happened to Joe. I don't know or understand what it was, but he changed. He became withdrawn, infuriated, distant, unloving, impatient, and downright verbally assaultive. I personally think it was having to deal with his ex-wife all the time that caused him to spiral downward, so to speak. And other times, I think it was the fact that he was and is so wrapped up in law enforcement that he is always on the defensive ... always looking for someone lying, cheating, stealing type of mentality ...

During this time, I lost the man that I loved. He has never been the same. It only got worse over the years. His jealousy, his suspicions, his daydreaming, his accusations .... and his adamant refusal to seek counseling or go to church with me to help find a solution.

Even in our separation, he agreed he needed help. He said he would go find a Pastor in town and talk with him. He asked if I would go to help shed some light on things, maybe learn a few things, maybe heal parts of us that had been destroyed. He never sought that help ....

I feel that what I am dealing with is like the death or loss of a spouse. I am not trying to minimize the severity of an actual death of a spouse, it must be horrible. What I am referring to is the having to live every day with not understanding where they went, what happened to them, not hearing them speak to you in the same loving gentle way you were accustomed to, etc ... things like that.

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never hear him tell me he was wrong in how he treated me. I am trying to come to terms, still, with the fact that I will never hear him tell me he is sorry for how horrible he treated me. It is my belief that he does not even realize what has happened to him and it is quite sad .... I told Danny yesterday that I need answers. I don't know how I will ever get those answers, but I need them. It is a cry out to God for understanding. The feeling is one of the most tormenting things you can ever experience.

I have been thru those 5 stages of anger ... and I am finally at the acceptance stage. I know it has been important for me to grieve the loss ... the loss took place a long time ago, but I guess in some sort of sick way I thought maybe one day he would snap out of it. I know that my days of mourning are coming to a close as the good days begin to outnumber the bad days as far as my heart is concerned.

I put on a fake smile for years. I tried to hide the fact that I was living a miserable life. I did not want people to know that something was very bad wrong. I still struggle and will probably struggle from time to time with what the hell happened. I struggle with seeing and knowing that Joe will and does treat other women nicely. I know it should not make a hill of beans to me, but unless you walk in those shoes, I don't expect anyone to understand how it makes you feel.

I am saddened that there will probably (and already is) someone out there that will get mixed up with him. Sure, things will be good at first, he wants to make a good impression, but it will soon change as it did with us and not only will she have to suffer thru the anger he has for his first ex-wife, she will also suffer thru his wrath from his anger towards me.

I know I can't stop it, but I just don't want my son to see it one more day. It is bad enough that he has to see his daddy treat me like a piece of dirt, but soon he will have to witness him treating someone else like that. I only pray that my son will learn from what he sees all the time in my home now and will grow up to respect women and cherish them.

I am confident that walking away from a loveless marriage is the best thing I have ever done for me and my children. I do not regret for one minute that I chose to close that door. Somedays I wish I had had the strength and the knowledge to do it sooner, but then I don't feel I would be where I am today. I have become such a strong woman through all of this. I have reconnected with the faith that was planted in me from a very early age. I have been able to forgive many wrongs committed against me and restored friendships that were broken because of all the junk that was planted in my head about people. I have been able to love again, unconditionally. It has surprised me, but it really helps when you have someone who truly cherishes you and loves you with everything they have. I know I never thought I would be able to share my deepest and most hurtful feelings with anyone, but I can share them all with Danny and he understands and tries to help me. It does not make him angry if I have a bad day, but instead pushes him to seek to find ways to help me walk thru it.

That is priceless.

I have made it. I have survived yet another failure in my life, but I have come out a much better person thru it all. I write this for a couple of reasons ... one, to get it out. I always do better in life after I get my feelings down on paper (or virtual style!) and reason number two, maybe it will help someone else. Maybe you will see my life and know things are not so messed up in your world, or maybe you have Godly and uplifting advice for me to continue to press on .... either way, it is another step in the right direction for me to make me unbreakable!

Blessings!