This Pain

You know, you would think that after several years some of the pain that I still have lingering would have disappeared by now.  I don't like to hash and re-hash, but there are a lot of things that still bother me a great deal and I am trying desperately to just let God deal with them.  I was cleaning out my myspace email acct today, it seems I have left a lot of junk in there unintentionally and my emails have shot up to about 90 something pages worth.  Geez.  Not needing or wanting to keep all that, but just don't take the time to delete it when I read it or reply.  So, today, I read some emails thinking "I must have kept this one for a reason!" but fully realize now that yes, I probably did keep it with intent to reply, but am very sorry now that I read it.  It was very painful and not good for my soul.  I don't like that people can be so very heartless in their attacks of others.  I know that I have received apologies from people for what wrong they have done, but I am no where near ready to be "over it" ... and honestly, I don't think I ever will be.  I have tried.  It hasn't come.  There is just no easy way to get over what has been done.  Relationships have been destroyed because of other's selfishness.  Hearts have been broken because of other's incessant need to be in control.  I know I am not the only one over the issues and hurts that have come, as evidenced by a text I got yesterday from someone telling me they had heard a song and broke down into tears.  One of these days, dear Lord, I pray that I am able to reflect on that part of my life without tears falling down my face ... the pain is real and is ever-present.  Why won't it leave me?!

One thing I find sad is that the ones that have inflicted the pain and have destroyed parts of other people's lives actually mock the hurt, they make fun, they talk trash about how I have reacted to it, but they have no clue what it is like to be in my shoes and receive the hurts they have dished out.  I am Christian woman enough to pray they never experience it, but if they do, I will be healed.