Maternal Bonds

The bond between a mother and her child is one that, in my opinion, should never be touched.  I believe them to be irreplaceable and sacred.  They begin at conception and are never ending.  Anyone who tries to come in between a mother and a child should be ashamed of themselves.

I particularly feel this strongly about men who leave their children and try to interfere with the maternal bond.  Why?  Because I know a couple of "men" who have left their children and don't truly want anything to do with their child until they get a steady piece of ass.  Both have exhibited shameless acts to try to buy their child's love and affection in attempts to sever the maternal bond.  Of course a child is going to want to come see you if you promise them guns, high dollar football jerseys (that can't be brought home), 4 wheelers, etc ..... all because they know that the child would not want to go for any other reason.

Recently, one of my children came to me upset about feeling like they had made a mistake in telling their  father that they would go live with him when they turn 18.  Really?!  What kind of "father" is going to put that burden on a child?  And by CHILD, I mean one who has not even hit the teen years yet.  Why would a man push HIS dreams for his child off on the child?  Why not let the child grow and evolve into what they want to be instead of telling the child that they will have the same career as the dad when they grow up?  Oh my word .... talk about a LONG talk we had.  I don't like my children to be manipulated, and that is exactly what has happened to one of them.  I was able to read the text exchange between my child and the father and it is just smeared with manipulation.  The father asks the child if they wanna come live with him when they turn 18 ... child responds favorably ... child also says that they will try to go live with father ... then father responds with "try to do what?"  leading the child into saying they will go live with the father.  It's sickening .... they cycle of manipulation and abuse is never ending with that man.  I did confirm with my child that if he felt like he had made a mistake that it was ok.  I also told him I would never expect him to make definite plans with me for when he turns 18 because I know that a LOT can change between now and then.  To have those expectations from a child is unreasonable and unfair.  In my opinion, it all falls back on the bond with a parent - and in this case, there truly is no bond.  The child even has said many many times that his father has abandoned him.  His father lived less than 20 minutes from us and CHOSE to move about 6 hours away and only sees our child Spring Break, Summer, and Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I'm also of the belief that he is only seeing him to act like the "good and caring parent" since he got his piece of ass last year.  It was the first summer EVER that he had our son ... THE FIRST, and our decree has been in place since 2008.  Ridiculous!!!  But again, it goes back to the bond and relationship (or lack thereof) between parent and child.

I have a great bond with my kids.  Yes, I get upset when they don't do what they are asked or when they mouthe me, but at the end of the day, when they give me great big hugs and kisses goodnight, I know I have done what I need to do.  When they meet me in the drive way when I come home and tell me they are glad to see me, I know I've instilled caring characteristics in them.  Sometimes I do meet them with "What do you want?" hahaha  But they know I'm kidding!

I am a strong advocate for caring and loving "mother figures" to be in a child's life if the biological father happens to choose to be in a relationship, but I am also a strong advocate for father's not introducing their child to another person with such rapidness.  For instance, my son went to stay with his father last summer, but he also was now having to adjust to not only another woman living in the same house, but another child with whom he had never met.  He did tell me that he asked his dad to tell his "other" to not call our son by his common nickname because she is not family.  I did tell him I was proud of him for speaking up about how he feels.  If his father were married to her, I would feel differently about it, but he is not married to her so she has no room to refer to our son as anything except her live-ins son.  He also expressed to me that he does not like to be referred to as a stepbrother by the father's girlfriend's daughter.  Again ... undue stress and burdens placed on a child in things they had no choice in.  My son has always been strong though and has told me he does not want another mother figure - she is just dad's girlfriend.  That makes me very happy, especially because I feel the father has been out to replace my position as our son's mother for YEARS ... he just couldn't keep anyone long enough to get the job done.  Seems all the others were way smarter than the current one at figuring out what he is all about.  The only one I feel sorry for is the little girl who also has NO CHOICE at all in what her mother does, and from what I understood, that father/daughter relationship is screwed up also.  Her self esteem will be NONE by the time my ex is finished with her.

I've been through the circus of having a child come home telling me I am not their mom, that their stepmom is their mommy.  That "stepmom" still refers to herself as my child's mother.  I don't agree with this.  If a child WANTS to call a woman "mom", I think they need to be old enough to understand she's not truly that child's mother, and not at 2 years old.  When I got married in 2000, the first thing my new stepdaughters asked me when we got home after the wedding was "Can we call you mom now?" - they were old enough to understand that their MOMMY was the woman they lived with and I wasn't..... God forbid either one of them ever have to go through all the bullshit I have had to go through.  Understanding is something that rarely happens until you walk in the same shoes as someone else....

I've also come to realize that the "father" in this situation doesn't care about anyone except himself and one of these days, it will all catch up with him.  I truly feel, as I have always felt, that he can't have bonds with anyone because he doesn't feel.  This particularly makes me sad for our son, because our son genuinely cares, but has been pushed aside while his father carries on with his life like no one else ever existed.  Whoever he can mooch off of is where he will be.  Thankfully, maternal bonds are not secured by money or by whatever "toys" I can provide, but instead they are secured by the fact that I truly and genuinely love my children and provide for them in every necessary way for a productive and happy life.  That can never be replaced.....