More of What I Dealt With - A Blog Entry From September 7, 2007 Entitled: NOT A VERY GOOD NIGHT

I have not had a very good day/night, whatever..... I am so tired of everything being a sruggle.  I have tried and tried to take measures to insure that the minds and spirits of my children are protected and then some asshold comes along and ruins it forme by threatening to kill himself in front of my children!

Good grief!  I am so sick of this ........ I am going away this weekend.  I am going to forget about my troubles.  I am going to enjoy doing nothing and doing everything!!!!!  My children are taking a small vacation with my sister and I will go meditate somewhere ... I just need to think ....

I need a lot of prayers people.  I am refusing to leave my house and uproot my children.  Thanks for listening to me gripe ......


**********************************************************************

It was after this entry that I realized how strong I was.  The blog entry after this one talks about how I went away and found peace with separating.  The discussion apparently got violent with him hitting the table multiple times and screaming at me.  I was unaffected.  I knew things had to get better and this was not the way it would happen.  Our little boy was always questioning why daddy had "fighting words" for mommy all the time.  I hit my limit ... this was finally the end for me and my guilty obligation to stay for my children ... after realizing my children were being just as damaged as I was.

For the next two weeks, according to my journal entries, my ex did ask me to give him another chance.  He asked me to give him until the first of the month to prove to me he could make it right.  Obviously, it never happened.  It wasn't real and the abuse continued ... SEVERING THE TIES is the ONLY KEY to getting away from someone who has that much had and disregard for you.  Even if you have children together, there are ways to not have to communicate with that person anymore.  For us, he has a court order and knows when he needs to come pick up our son.  He doesn't contact me any more regarding ANYTHING about our son ... his welfare, his school, his activities, NOTHING.  He does contact our son, but according to our son, all he talks about is his job and things he has spent money on.  No surprise..... But at least I'm not being hounded on a regular basis as I have been in the past.

I really feel that you too will get there ... sometimes it takes hardening of your heart a bit to be able to not succumb to the crap they give out, but you can do it.  We are all here for each of you to get through it together.  You will be made fun of by your abuser ... they will put you down, especially if yours is like mine and you speak out about it.  I know I wasn't perfect in our marriage, but I married him anyway even after he cheated on me because I mistakingly thought he was my soul mate ... the one I would grow old with ... BUT ... people like that won't extend the same kind of love to anyone else.  Just for the record .....