When I have a bad day ....

I blog. Yep, I lay it all out in writing. Most of the time I don't care who reads it. They are my thoughts, my feelings, MINE ... I possess them. No one else does. It shouldn't matter to anyone else what I think and feel about it. I might use bad language. I might not. My decision. There is such a thing as free will. People should not continue to be so stiff in life, especially about how they feel. I had a bad night last night. It wasn't supposed to be that way. But I should have known that things in my life were going to get back to "that point" with him. THANK GOD that I have such a loving and understanding husband. And I'm not talking about my husband being the one that things have gotten back to "that point" with ... if you know me, you know what and who I am talking about. Not meaning to speak in code, but really ... I find it inappropriate to use names or anything like that ...

Things seemed to be going well. We were getting along, which was unusual for us since our divorce. He was and is still very bitter. BUT ... I thought things were better. For about 4 months, we chatted casually, spent time with our son together, and occassionally, he would ride with me out of town for things I had to do. I don't like to be used, though, and that's what it came down to in the end. During those 4 months, he claimed to have no one in his life. I was who he turned to for discussion of everything from our son to politics. Even more ... life in general. I listened to him gripe about the situations in his life (lack of job, reason that he had no job, etc) and even listened to the evil crap he talked about ... putting bullets in others heads, breaking knees, making sure they all "pay" for what they have done to him, etc .......... and he even told me that he shared no intimate thoughts or feelings with anyone but me. Ok, I took that as he trusted me quite a bit, or just felt comfortable enough with me and who I am to be able to say all that. But you know ... it was short lived, I finally realized he had someone in his life. He used my money and my kindness to go see her one weekend, and that set me off. Don't use me, period. If you don't have a job and money to do that on your own, then it doesn't need to be done. She will learn. It should be a big clue right now. She is getting him in the very same condition that I got him in ... no job, risk at losing the roof over his head, needing to relocate, etc. These should all be big red flags!!!

So ... now that I have caught him at his own game, he is pissed again. Reverting back to his same old self. He can't use me any more. Guess that might piss me off too if I wasn't able to do the things he was doing for 4 months .... We sent him food cuz he didn't have any, gave him cash a lot of the times especially when our son was with him (which is often), while my husband was on the road, we let him STAY here in our house for approximately 2 weeks, so he could see our son and eat, plus, he went with me many times when I had to go out of town ... even as late as this past Friday. I was intending on going by myself the past 2 times I had to go, but he asked if he could go, so I agreed. My husband is a saint ... He doesn't mind and I think that's awesome! On the last 2 trips, though, the conversations turned in a direction that I didn't want them to turn. One trip, he had me in tears for a good part of the trip. He started discussing how he felt, which was really not appropriate, but he let me know that he still "gives a shit" as he said. He was crying while he said all this .... and in hindsight, I feel sorry for the girl he is with now, they were talking then and probably developing a relationship, and I'm sure he didn't tell her that he asked to go with me because, like he said, he enjoys my company a lot. Little does she know ... it's because he still has very strong feelings for me and the children. He said a lot that night, and brought up a lot of things he shouldn't have, including telling me how hard it is to live across the street and watch another man live HIS life, and be with HIS wife. I decided then that he was not going to go with me anymore, he was not going to be in our home, and if he needed something to eat, he better hurry and get a job because I was not going to be his doormat anymore. The last time I had to go, I had already been told by my innocent little boy that his daddy was on the computer all the time with a bunch of girls. I was infuriated that he is/was parading our son all over the internet to his "women" ... if you want to call them that. He knew I would be going out of town and asked me if he could go. I told him I didn't think so .... I was filling a void in his life, friendship, and now that I knew he had tons of women to turn to, leave me out of the picture. He got so mad at me, and asked many many times if he could go with me that Friday. After he asked enough times, I finally just said yes, I guess. It is a 10 hour trip and I figured our son would enjoy being with his daddy in the backseat and I would just drive! The trip went great .... I was going to a birthday party on Saturday and the birthday girl asked me to stop by the Dr. Pepper plant in Dublin and get some bottled Dublin Dr. Pepper! So ok ... we left town early enough that we could stop there, but then we had 3 hours to kill. We took lots of pictures and even went on a tour of the plant. The trip seemed to be fine, even thru eating and shopping for my daughter in that 3 hour period! I thought we had the trip MADE ... when just 30 minutes outside of town (on this day, the trip was 14 hours long since we left early!) he started in on me about crap that no longer matters. I was so glad I only had to endure 30 minutes of it before I was home in the loving arms of a man who knows how to treat his wife !!!!!!

I am praying that there comes a day when I no longer have to hear that "he" thinks I was having way more sex in our marriage than he was, or that I was with a bunch of men during our marriage. I guess whatever he has to tell himself to make himself feel better about losing the best thing that ever happened to him ..... he knows it, and I know it. During one of those trips, he even told me that I needed to face the fact that neither one of us will EVER have with anyone else what we had with each other. I'm glad to know he thinks so highly of his abuse towards me, because he's right, there is no abuse in my marriage now, and I am a very happy woman. I feel sorry for the girl he is with now ... she seems like she might be a "nice girl" .... one that has absolutely no clue of his dark side, his filthy mouth, his slobby ways, his demented sense of humor, and the hate and rage that he has for anyone who he feels threatened by! He is quiet a schmoozer though, he will reel you in and then make you feel guilty for absolutely everything you ever do, good or bad. The last several girls didn't last very long. They have all contacted me also .... which was his fault too, for introducing them to my blogs, ha ha. Why would you even do that ????? That should also be a big red flag. This girl has kids too .... he doesn't need to be involved in their lives either. They will have no sense of worth before too long.

Last night was the kicker for me tho ... it shows me just what a heartless man he really is towards me. I'm realizing that there is a very very very fine line between love and hate. For a man to spill his heart to his ex-wife 2 weeks ago saying how much he still cared and then for him to be saying the God awful things he was saying last night .... WOW! There are some mental issues I'm thinking .... but yeah, those are no longer my obstacles to deal with, as she will soon find out, if the inconsistancies have not already begun to show! He said he told her that he was staying in our house and travling with me, but I have a feeling he failed to include it's because he asked to ....

Now ... whew ... I feel better having gotten all that out. I know not many ready my blog anyway, and that's ok, I'm just venting anyway to release some stress. I was not looking forward to things going back to "normal" in that relationship, but I guess I better get buckled and prepare for the ride, as much as I wish things had stayed like they were ........ so much for that.