Do you ever ....

Being home has been so very good for our family. The bonds that have been strengthened over the past 5 months are miraculous. They are nothing short of God himself tying them together. I have realized that the love and friendship that my family has experienced in the past 5 months has helped my heart heal in a lot of ways, but I can't help but wonder ... do you ever really get over the hurt that some things cause you in this life?

What causes us such deep hurts in the first place? I have come to realize it is the fact of loving someone so deeply that causes us to hurt even deeper when they betray us, when they mistreat us. That leaves scar tissue on our hearts - our hearts will never be truly "new" again. Mended maybe, even healed to the fullest extent possible, but never "new" again. We become cynical and suspicious, unbelieving and calous ... or at least I can say that this is the results of my hurt.

One of my favorite things to do used to be listening to music. I know I have written about this before, but it really bothers me that I still have a hard time hearing anything with any emotion behind it. Love songs ... can't do it. Classic melodies ... can't do it. Even the simplist of a happy song ... still hard to do. It's the hurt that I wish to shed that causes me to feel this way and I can't help but wonder when the day will come that I can listen to music without wanting to break down and cry a river.

God and my husband have been my only comfort. My husband is so amazing. He knows the emotions I go thru and he knows what they stem from. He knows when I have something going thru my mind that I can't shake. It isn't an explosive thing ... it's subtle, yet he still knows it. And he is nurturing in those moments, never overbearing or upset that I struggle with some things in life. I could never replace that type of relationship with a husband even if I wanted to ... of course, I don't want to, I'm just saying ....

And as far as God ... he knows everything I am thinking, feeling, needing, and otherwise before I ever ask him for anything. I only wish my worth would have been recognized by others in this life and I would not bare the pain that I do today...

Just some random-need-to-get-out-of-my-heart thoughts today.