Pain

You know ... I write about this topic a lot. Why? It's close to my heart. When you have truly been HURT, it is difficult to get over. Especially when the one who hurt you the most still likes to take jabs at you every chance they get.

Last night my husband and I were cooking dinner in the kitchen. We have a big tv in the dining room and had it on GAC listening to country music. This was quite an accomplishment for me as I have shunned music for quite some time now. Slowly, though, I am getting back to being able to listen to it. I'm still not quite as ready as I would like to be as evidenced by last night ... There was some kind of countdown on GAC and it was FILLED with songs that had once meant something to my heart, connecting me with another heart (or so I was misled to think) and I had to ask my husband to change the channel. He is so very understanding, it's unreal. He simply asked if there was anything wrong and I explained to him how I was feeling and what had triggered it. He had no problem whatsoever in changing the channel and hugging me. It makes it so much better to have an understanding heart in those circumstances. He knows how much hurt I have and that it will take time for it to diminish. It didn't all happen over night so it won't disappear overnight, but one of these days, I can look love in the face without thinking that any minute, it will lash out at me and hurt me.

Someone mentioned to me the other day if maybe I thought I could be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I'm not counselor, or phychiatrist, or psychologist, but amazingly enough, just a few days after they asked me that, I found a book that my ex-mother in law had given me on the subject. I read some of the chapters in it and WOW ... it not only fit some of my circumstances and events, but exactly how I have felt over the years. I heard a song a few years ago that says "It ain't love if it's mean!" and that is basically what this book stresses .... even though most of my physical symptoms of the abuse I feel I was handed have disappeared, the emotional scaring is still very much in place.

It helps that I know in my heart that not being in that situation is the best thing I have ever done for myself or for my children. It was not good for them to see me being belittled every single day and reduced to tears because I could not compete in the verbal assaults that turned into verbal massacres. It wasn't good for them to not only see it, but to hear the junk that was being hurled at their mommy. I did not want things to be that way and was extremely saddened that life had turned out like that for me and my children. My life now is so much different than then and I can't even begin to express how much I love my life. Yes, there are people out there that think I hate my life because I tried to tell them what is in store for their lives by being with the same one that abused me on a daily basis .... but it's just their denial. They can't see what they are heading for and obviously won't recognize the signs when they come. This is why I love my life so much - I know there are no head games going on in my marriage, I know without a doubt that my husband worships the ground I walk on and he tells me daily how much he loves me and wants me, I am my husband's best friend and he proves it over and over and over every single day, I know that my husband is never out to hurt me with his words or otherwise and IF (that is a very big IF) we were to have a misunderstanding, it gets talked out and worked out before we move on to anything else. I don't have to worry about anything I have said or done being thrown up in my face later to be used as ammo against me for unworthy and unsupported accusations of infidelity or adultery or WHATEVER ... It's so nice.

Yet, the pain still lingers underneath. I have a hard time accepting compliments from my husband because I just don't believe them. He tells me I am beautiful ... nnnooooo. He tells me I am adorable ... nnnoooooo. I have advanced though, now I just tell him THANK YOU! I try to compliment him and thank him in EVERYTHING. I want to be his uplifter, not the one to tear him down. I know what that is like and is downright SUX !!!!!!!!!! I don't care if he never mows the grass or takes out the trash, as long as he treats me great, there is no man on this earth that can ever compare to him. I have a bonus in him though because he DOES mow the grass and he DOES take out the trash and a multitude of other household chores so that I don't have to do it alone and in the end, we can spend more time together. He makes it an important issue that at night, he and I have "our" time. Whether we watch tv, read a book, sit on the computer together, whatever ... we have OUR time and enjoy one another. It's awesome and yes, while the pain of other relationships still lingers, I am reminded quickly with how well my husband treats me that I won't always have pain .... the days of my pain are gone. It's about living and loving now and we will do it come hell or high water !!!

I am not looking for comments on this, if you have one, great, but if not, don't feel pressed. I just had to get some of these thoughts out of my head thru my fingertips today and when it flows, it just flows ..... and I'm better for it.